It’s hard to put your finger on what makes the difference between a regular joke for kids and a “dad” joke. For starters, the name is a misnomer — it doesn’t actually have anything to do with the parental status of the deliverer. (I’m a case in point — between me and my husband, I’m the one who’s more likely to tell the dad jokes, and I’m certainly the only one in my family who laughs at them.) Instead, dad jokes are defined more by their desired effect. You kind of want your kids to laugh at these, but groaning and rolling their eyes is even better. And there’s definitely an element of wordplay that brings about those scoffs and whines. Whether you’re a beginner dad-joke-teller or a seasoned pro looking to expand your repertoire, these are the best dad jokes to use on your kids.
One-Liner Dad Jokes
The beauty of these is that you don’t need to wait around for someone to be a willing joke participant. They have no setup, so you just drop them in whenever you see an opportunity in a conversation.
- I love dad jokes, but I don’t have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.
- I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
- A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.
- I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.
- Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
- 6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.
- Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.
- I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.
- I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.
- I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.
- Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.
- Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
- I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
- Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.
- A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.
- We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.
- It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.
- At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.
- My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.
- I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.
- I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.
- Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.
- The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
- Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they’re making headlines!
- Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.
- I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.
- I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.
- I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.
Setup-Punchline Dad Jokes
This time, you have to be a little bit more creative and lure an unsuspecting family member into your setup, before you hit them with the punchline. Good for car trips, doctors office waiting rooms, long lines and anywhere else you have a captive audience member.
Q: Why are balloons so expensive?
A: Inflation.
Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
Q: What side of a tree grows the most branches?
A: The outside!
Q: Why did an old man fall in a well?
A: Because he couldn’t see that well!
Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
A: A fsh.
Q: What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper?
A: Any breed of dog. Skyscrapers can’t jump.
Q: Why are elevator jokes so good?
A: They work on many levels.
A: Why are peppers the best at archery?
B: Because they habanero.
Q: Why did the computer get mad at the printer?
A: Because it didn’t like its toner voice.
Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he Neverlands.
Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon?
A: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Q: What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?
A: Live stream it.
Q: Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
A: It was very sweepy.
Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons?
A: Because they often have to draw blood.
Q: Did you hear about the square that got into a car accident?
A: Yeah, now he’ a rect-angle!
Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?
A: Toad.
Q: How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?
A: It is either one or the utter.
Q: What’s red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red paint.
Q: Why can’t you ever run through a campsite?
A: You can only ran — it’s always past tents.
Q: Why was the woman afraid for the calendar?
A: She said its days were numbered.
Q: Why is it hard to understand volunteers?
A: Because they make no cents.
Q: Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt?
A: It’s a big waist of space.
Q: What did the police officer say to his belly-button?
A: You’re under a vest.
Q: What did the photon say to the hotel bellhop?
A: No luggage, I’m traveling light.
Q: When did they find water on the moon?
A: When it was waning!
Q: What’s the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle?
A: Attire!
Q: What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
A: Anna One, Anna Two
Q: Why is the cow always smiling?
A: It’s in a good mooood I guess.
Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A: One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter.
Q: When does a regular joke become a “dad joke?”
A: When it becomes apparent.
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“I Have a Joke About…” Dad Jokes
Sometimes, the greatest joke of all is when you explain why you refuse to tell the joke. Actually, your kids will always say it’s better when you refuse to tell the joke, but tell them these anyway.
- I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.
- I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.
- I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.
- I have a scary joke about math, but I’m 2² to say it.
- I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
- I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.
- I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.
- I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.
- I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.
- I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.
- I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.
- I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.
- I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.
- I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.
- I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.
- I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.
- I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.
- I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.
- I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.
- I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.
Pop Culture Dad Jokes
Mind your audience with these. They’ll have to understand certain refrences to get them, so they’re better saved for older kids.
Q: What’s ET short for?
A: Because he’s only got tiny legs!
Q: What concert costs just 45 cents?
A: 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
Q: What’s Forrest Gump’s email password?
A: 1Forrest1
Q: What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep?
A: He puts his PJ-Amazon.
Q: How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
A: You follow the fresh prints.
People are surprised that I have a Police record, but I love “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic.”
I had a joke about Nirvana, but Nevermind.
I saw a theft at an Apple store, so that makes me an iWitness.
Bigfoot is sometimes confused for Sasquatch — Yeti never complains.
To whoever stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it, I will find you. You have my Word!
Dad Jokes That Are Responses to Kid Questions
These are the hardest to pull off. You have to wait until the setup comes to you before you can strike.
Kid: Dad, I’m hungry.
Dad: Hi Hungry, I’m Dad.
Kid: Did you get a haircut?
Dad: No, I got them all cut!
Dad: What’s this vegetable called?
Kid: An artichoke.
Dad: Well, it may have choked Artie, but it won’t choke Dad!
Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot!
Dad: Well, what’d you do that for?
Kid: I’ll call you later.
Dad: No, call me Dad.
Kid: Dad, how do I look?
Dad: With your eyes.
Kid: Dad, can you put my shoes on?
Dad: No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Kid: What’s that?
Dad: It’s a henweigh.
Kid: What’s a henweigh?
Dad: About two pounds.
Kid: Dad, can you make me a sandwich?
Dad: Poof! You’re a sandwich.
Kid: I’m cold.
Dad: Then go sit in the corner — it’s 90 degrees!
Have any of your own dad jokes to share? Let us know in the comments!
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