A year of gratitude | Senior Column | Columns | Opinion | Daily Collegian

When I think about this job, I sometimes almost — almost — convince myself that it wasn’t important.

This job was my life for 365 days. I worked toward this job for three years, it practically consumed my existence for one year… and now it’s over.

There’s a potential emptiness that exists in the ending. And from that possible emptiness can arise the question of whether this was worth it, whether I got anything from it.

The idea that I poured countless hours into this for nothing is admittedly a bit scary.

No, I might say to myself. It wasn’t for nothing. It was for stress and anxiety and the feeling of failure.

The bad side to this job is something I don’t think you can understand until you’re in the middle of it. To be frank, this job can suck. I mean the class-skipping, Christmas-ruining, cry-yourself-to-sleep, call-your-mom-with-the-latest-occurrence-that-is-driving-you-crazy kind of suck.

So now, suddenly, my brain is trying to simultaneously trick me into thinking what I just did for a year didn’t really matter, and all I got out of it in return was pain.

These thoughts usually occur at my lowest, most exhausted points.

Like most thoughts at the low, exhausted points, they are untrue.

This job is important. The editor-in-chief must lead a staff to report on the people of Penn State and State College, but, more importantly, the editor-in-chief must lead a group of people to grow both their talents and their friendships with one another.

The people make the job fun, rewarding and meaningful, but the people also make the job messy, challenging and complicated.

Both my best moments and worst moments came from the human interaction aspect of this job.

Sometimes, the worst moments felt stacked 10 stories high. However, when I think back on the past 12 months, the worst moments don’t define them.

Yes, the bad moments will be there, always. I am learning to forgive and be grateful for the hardships and mistakes.

But the worst moments do not define me, nor do they define my editorship. Despite the bad days, there were so many giggly, sunshiney, joyous days I experienced.

I think back to the Wednesday that I rushed into the office for our Super Smash Bros. tournament 45 minutes late (Editor’s note: I am often running late). I sat down at the only available desk and began to put cream cheese on my Panera bagel when I was greeted with a surprise: a pink and yellow cookie cake and a bouquet of flowers to celebrate the completion of my thesis.

Then, I rewind many months ago to one of the hottest Tuesdays of the summer. I walked out of a white Volkswagen Beetle and built up the courage to ask a complete stranger if we could take the beat-up furniture he put out on his curb. We sweated carrying the brown recliner and broken black futon all the way to the office, and I cleaned them off before they were added to our collection of office furniture.

There was the Saturday the managing editor and I went fly fishing (I didn’t catch anything), and the Friday all of our editors went to Goodwill and bought each other gifts Secret Santa-style (I received a Dora CD player).

I almost cried laughing during the First Annual Collegian Talent Show, and nearly cried literally listening to “The Way I Loved You (Taylor’s Version)” in the office during our “Fearless (Taylor’s Version)” streaming party.

Occasionally, I will go to the quietest moment in late July when we were sitting on the broken black futon one night, and he slowly put his arm around me, and I almost fell asleep on him.

These moments, along with dozens of others, gave my senior year light and happiness.

Reflecting on this job requires balance. I am learning to take the good with the bad, the 8 p.m. laughter with the 2 a.m. tears. I’ve realized I needed both desperately.

Both pushed me to pray more, develop better relationships, grow as a person and better understand what love is.

Love in the sense of dying to yourself. Love that puts the people in your life before yourself — even when they would never do the same for you.

Under this definition, love doesn’t come about easily. It certainly doesn’t for me.

The good and bad of this year grabbed me by the hands and pulled me into a better understanding of the difficulty — and importance — of love.

And for that, I am grateful.

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People shaped the past year, and I wanted to take a moment to recognize a few of these people.

My parents, Ryan, Emma and Luke (and Sadie) were always there for me and will always be there for me no matter what. In the highs and lows, it is calming to know they are always on my side. It is also surprisingly refreshing to go home and have the biggest point of drama be that it took me too long to finish watching “Star Wars: The Clone Wars.” Thank you for the prayers, phone calls and Squishmallow hunts.

When life becomes lonely or stressful, it is an incredible blessing to have someone reach out and ask how you’re doing. Lauren, Laura, Elena and Alison — thank you for reaching out and asking. I am grateful for the FaceTime calls, potato dates and coffee trips.

I worked on two big projects during my collegiate career — my in-depth reporting article and my Schreyer thesis. Thank you to Russ for being an integral part of both of these projects and helping me become a better journalist.

Student journalism faces its share of struggles right now, and it is encouraging to know there are people willing to fight to keep student journalism alive. Wayne, Sarah, Rick, Dave, Laurie, Craig, Scott, John, Brad, Ty, Maggie, Bill, Jacob, Haniel and Ekua — thank you for the time and care you dedicate to the Collegian and its student journalists.

This is my sixth semester of editing. During that time, I worked with countless reporters and editors at the Collegian. Thank you all for allowing me to edit your articles and make decisions alongside you. I will forever cherish these moments.

Finally, this past semester was my favorite semester of college — and that is largely thanks to the Collegian’s spring 2021 board of editors.

I feel immensely honored to have the opportunity to work alongside such a genuine, fun and kind group of people.

David, you are one of the most talented writers I know. I loved reading each of your editorials, and I enjoyed our conversations in the office or #ops. I can’t wait to see where you go in life.

Destin, I still can’t believe how busy and hard-working you are. Your work ethic is unparalleled, and it is something to be proud of. Reporters and editors look up to you for your diligence.

Megan, I admire your ability to take on new ventures with confidence and enthusiasm. Your spirit and curiosity have helped you grow into an excellent news editor.

Jes, you brought positivity and kindness to the office. We miss seeing you every day.

Lily, it is hard to come across someone who excels at both the editing and reporting sides of what they do. You are one of these people. You are an excellent photographer and a patient and kind teacher. Also — I now can’t think about Dwayne Johnson without thinking of you.

Ben, your talent, creativity and dedication have taken the Collegian to new heights of innovation, and your sense of humor has given us many moments of laughter. The Collegian couldn’t operate without you (and Maui couldn’t be expertly hidden without you).

Jerry, you bring so much joy and excitement to the office. Your talent for writing is matched by your talent for making me laugh. I am going to miss watching you play Pokemon, Animal Crossing or Super Smash Bros. every day.

Porterfield, you had an impressive rise at the Collegian, and for good reason. You are fully equipped to enter your role, and I know you’ll do great things (in your green sweatshirt). You are going to kill this DME gig.

Becky, oh wow this is so awkward (haha, jk). It has been amazing to watch you grow as an editor over the past year, and I can’t wait to see what you do as managing editor. I am going to miss talking to you in the office every day and laughing at the latest antics you are retelling or causing.

Jade, I am SO incredibly excited to see what you will do as editor-in-chief. You are fully equipped for this role, and I know you will lead the Collegian with kindness and grace. The staff is truly lucky to have you as its next leader. And please have fun with the job! Wear your cardigan, play “Party Rock Anthem” and put a picture of Rodrick on your desk.

Lindsey, I am blown away by all you did as managing editor. Not only did you fully embrace your role, you pushed for improvement and change in a job that has very much been the same for years. More importantly, I am so grateful I had you as a friend this year. I am going to miss the many hours of quarantining, driving to Chick-fil-A and talking when we are supposed to be watching a movie. I know you are going to kill it in Colorado, and I cannot wait to see how you flourish there.

Shane — it is hard to know where to begin. You made this year fun, manageable, exciting, hilarious and incredibly special. You were always there for me, and your support is something that helped me survive the messiest of moments and thrive in the most beautiful ones. I loved watching you excel at your job this year, and I can’t wait to see what you do in the future. And I really can’t wait to see what our future holds! Thank you for everything.

Maddie Aiken is a senior majoring in digital and print journalism and was The Daily Collegian’s 2020-21 editor-in-chief until 6:15 a.m. this morning.